Have you heard pretty women saying that they are not sure if men want to be their friends because they truly care for them or whether its because they look good and want to hit on them?Have you heard rich men saying that they are not sure if a woman wants to be friends with them because they truly care for them or whether it because they are rich and see them as gold-mines?
Recently, I have begun to experience similar woes...no not because of beauty or money...but because of my profession!
The many woes as a psychologist friend are that:
I will get calls in the middle of the night demanding an interpretation of a weird dream that someone just had but when I have a nightmare and need someone to talk to, people are asleep and unavailable.
I will get pinged in the middle of dinner that my friend needs ideas on how to resolve a fight that she has been having with her husband for a week but when I am lonely on a weekend and need a few minutes of chit-chat, she will be busy utilizing those ideas that I gave her and be unavailable.
I will get text messages from my friend on how to tackle her roommates when they give her a hard time but when I call her to complain about mine, she will be unable to share any words of wisdom because she now lives with her boyfriend and does not want anything to do with roommate talk.
I will get random emails from long-lost friends about resolving a family conflict amongst family members that I have not only not met but never heard about in my entire life but will not get invited for these long-lost friends' weddings.
I truly believe that either we psychologists are born with, or along the way create, a separate area in our brain that is triggered when anyone asks for help. No matter how much I do not like someone or have something else to take care of, I just cannot happen to say no. I wonder if people take undue advantage of that or whether they use their "contacts" to the maximum or whether they have "expectations" that a psychologist friend is there always to help them. I wonder if these "friends" of mine are my friends because I am a psychologist or because I am ME.
In any case, I have realized that there is no point keeping expectations from anyone, no matter what their gender, status, or profession. You can read more about it here.
Sometimes, I wish that I could pretend to be someone else or have an alternate profession just like Saif Ali Khan does in Salaam Namaste. Maybe next time, when a new friend asks me what I do, I will tell him or her that I am a bagger/cashier at the grocery store.
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39 comments:
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I agree. Sometimes even friends take u for granted, taking u for ur profession instead for ur person.
But, I believe you r who you r, irrespective of ur profession.
I mean, it's not only psychologists that go out of their way to help others. And it's not only rich ppl who may always help a friend in need.
Personality is separate from Profession.
But I know what u mean. Cos ur a shrink, ppl think ur instant help and thats not right. Friendship means a totally different thing.
**Sometimes, I wish that I could pretend to be someone else or have an alternate profession just like Saif Ali Khan does in Salaam Namaste
U dun hv to pretend Sol. If u really dun feel like it, say NO. There r times u wanna help and there'll always be times u dun feel like it. After all, its no point doing something w.o. feeling 100% abt it, just cos they RELY on u. Wut say?
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
Awwwwwww...That must suck...yeah, probably a lot of ppl think "psychologist" rather than "friend" when they think of Sneha...
n i know it must not be a very easy task for u to differentiate between the one taking advantage VS the genuine ones...or have u figured out a way over the yrs??
okay let me be honest..initially when i thought of sneha, all i thought of was "psychologist" n "word games" n then "blogs"...in that order...
now i think y!msngr, conversations, crazy pics,blogs n ooops i almost frgt Dr sneha of crse :)
aww...
yeah. there are a lot of ppl who use their "contacts", as u say. and they don't see anything incorrect with it.
but gurl, learn to say no. really. being there for friends is one thing, but don't let people take advantage of you. ever. u deserve so much better!
I guess it sucks...and these are instances which make you wonder if you are too nice to people....
but as disccused in the expectations post - your being this way is probably what makes them seek you at odd hours/times/days....
Just smg would like to share (you might agree or not)
As you start working - just schedule a time in the weekdays say 9-5 between which you will attend to friends/family etc seeking help...after that politely ask them to call you the next day...initially you might think that you will loose them as friends...but beleive me over time it all works out...
sorry for the long comment...I felt this is professional rage akin to road rage :)
this post of urs kinda captures what i was trying to state in the expectations post ... first point that friends start take you for granted .... secondly the sub concious expectations you have from your friends ...
neways ... i can understand this kinda feeling ... as i have been in that taken for granted types situation many times :)
but i guess that you shud be able to easily differentiate between people just keeping in touch with you for ur professional aid and the ones who are true friends ... so to the first category you can gradually learn to so NO ... (well, not easy to do this if its not in your personality ... i have made unsuccessful attempts :()
awwwww :(((
first of all...CONGRATULATIONS!!
wow, what an accomplishment!!
i'm sure that your family and close friends are very proud of you. this was no easy task...
and now- your work as a professional. good luck in all that do... may you always love the profession that you chosen...
hugs & blessings
@ Nitin,
Yeah yeah..I know.
@ Keshi,
Great! HUGS!
I know some people know us only a certain way. If you are married, they look you differently. If you are a doctor, its different. Its pitiful that they don't see the whole person.
Keshi, I do feel like saying no for my own sake but then I also am trained to relieve people of their pain and distress and so the first automatic reaction is to HELP and then later, when all's over, I realize that I stretched myself a bit too much.
@ Pavi,
Thanks!! I want you to know me as SNEHA and not the psychologist sneha..:)
Its hard for me to differentiate in the beginning between who is using me and who is genuine but eventually, I can tell.
@ Rayshma,
Cannot help it. I am sure that a doctor too would not say no to anyone who knocks on his or her door in the middle of the night. Immediate relief is the motto. Then later I need immediate relief for this extra unwanted stress and that's when Iblog about it. :)
@ Ceedy,
Its not rage. Its a woe.
I am not mad. I am sad.
I don't think I want to schedule in times for my friends. Its like telling a doctor to turn his face away when a person is bleeding just because its past 5 pm. I do not think that's right.
I just need an outlet for the stress which only other psychologists can truly understand (that's what I feel now) and so am blogging about it.
@ Amrit,
Smiling for what?
@ Hiren,
Thanks for understanding that its easier said than done. My woe is more about not having a psychologist "friend" like I am to others. I do not really expect these friends of mine to be always there but I really wish I had a good friend majoring in psychology (apart from my classmates) who could be the way I am to others.
@ Gaurav,
I know! Come fast!
@ Coco,
Thanks a lot!!! :)
** also am trained to relieve people of their pain and distress and so the first automatic reaction is to HELP
I agree. Its inherent to u now. :)
Must be v hard to be in that situation.
Keshi.
why are u craving for a friend who necessarily is a psychologist? I dont think that a particular profession would really make any difference. One doesnt really need to be a psychologist to know what is happening to you and what are you going through.
I guess you just need good friend(s) with whom you can be yourself and vent out ur frustations/depressions etc etc and they provide you the comfort ... (which btw I am surprised since u seem to be one with many good friends ...)
Its nature peoples expect. Glad u do to others, even if they not. You are so nice in person dear :)
@ Hiren,
You are wrong there. I truly cannot understand how a surgeon feels after hours of operations, or an emergency physician feels after long hours of watching people, cry, bleed, die..etc.
Similarly, I cannot know how an engineer feels working with machines on the floor everyday nor would I know what a software engineer experiences after hours of coding on the computer.
I can only presume and hypothesize. Similarly, you do not know and neither do my non-psychologist friends about how it is to listen to people talk about their sorrows, pain, woes, hour after hour, for ten hours straight.
@ Hiren,
Sorry its getting long here.
Yes, you are right. I have lots of friends, and great ones too. But I cannot talk about my professional life with them for two reasons. 1) they will not really understand without me giving them much details
2) I cannot really give them much details due to ethics codes.
@ Jeevan,
Thank you for the appreciation.
@ Keshi,
Thank you soooo much for understand how it becomes innate. I think that is something very hard for an observer to understand. People like to advise but really do not know how hard it becomes after one point because we ourselves want to go help and at that moment, cannot think of possible negative consequences for ourselves.
okay point taken ... whenever i get in touch with any psychologist who is good human being as well ... I will introduce him/her to you :-)
@ Hiren,
Make it quick. If it takes too long, I might be in an asylum.
I u'stand ur dilemma Sol. Not cos Im a shrink too (cos Im not) :)..but cos, by nature Im a person who cant say NO to a friend...I feel I so wanna help. And sometimes I dun even realise the toll it takes on me. Cos ppl always rely on me and count on me to help!
Keshi.
hmm...that unavailble thing is really true...even for us people say that we shd take care of our own health since we know abt it quite well!!!!....
well...
thts a part of the profession
i think theres even a proverb in gujju to back up...
"garaj sari etle vaid veri"
remember ?!!
for non-gujjus it translates to "doc is not needed once the disease is over"
on the way:)
Well thats mayb the part of most people's life! Selfless help and nothing in return. I have experienced it n number of times(sorry for the math terminology) and still refuse to learn anything out of it!
People take undue advantage. You know thats what they are doing at this very moment when you do things for them and yet you try and convince yourself -"No! This person is in genuine need."
How do you train yourself over such self induced conviction?
yea, tell me abt it. i go through most of that stuff even though i aint a psychologist. so what do u do when they ask? do u reply honestly even if its something they might not wanna hear? most of the time it doesnt turn out that well if u choose that. so i guess the pressure on you must be far greater when choosing an answer huh?
Damn! This post has ruined my future plans. I was just building up the "contact" :D He he..
Don't tell your Gujju friends that you are a bagger/cashier at the Grocery store. U will be troubled like anything :)
:-< people can be so thoughtless na? See true that such disappointments happen when we keep expectations. But, when they do totally unexpected.. err lemme change that word.. totally illogical things, its natural that we're left shocked and dejected.
cant decide which one of ur blogs shud i add to my reader...
suggest one cant add all there is too much to read
@ Vatsal,
I write so muchhhhhhhh..and you say you cannot read it all? :(
Ok..add Psychobabble.
you've quite nicely stated ur case.. just a quick one though: how do u deal with the ones who you adore but know dont trust you because of their innate refusal to be psychoanalyzed? where ur profession is the reason why they wouldn touch you with a 10 foot pole? (surely you know one or two of em?)
(P.s - first time on your blogs, thoroughly enjoyed it!)
u know wat, u r a great friend! :)
i dont think u r doing anything wrong, coz thats wat frnds are of, and i have never believed in this take for granted thing, coz there is no definition for it, it depends on our mood, completely!!
isnt?
So when u help ur friend, being in the middle of something important, it just makes u a better friend!!
and as u say, expectations kills the whole relationship!!! :)
nicely written!
Cheers!!!
u know honestly when i started readin u i didn't even know what u did... the first time u commented on my blog i didnt even whether u were a girl or a guy...:P
but then as ive gotten to knw u a lil ... i like sneha , i dont care what she does or does not do for a living...
HUGS!
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